Hi

Havent posted in a while. Things are looking up. I have rekindled my relationship with my girlfriend,but unfortunately have had to quit communication with some others ,hopefully only on a temporary basis.

I bought some professional Sedona Method coaching from my good friend Chuck in Detroit and the releasing is going well

Back to the gym,strength rapidly increasing, arm muscles now at the jiggly stage!

Sleep has improved and I have decided to teach myself how to play the guitar. I have also booked some swimming lessons for next month.

I have accepted that I need to retire from my current job. I have worked on and off for over 30 years for the National Health Service  and my recent admin job in the cance centre in belfast has been getting me down.

One thing I have noticed about my way of dealing with things is that I tend to stick with a situation long after it is sensible to do so. During this time I am liable to feel compelled or obligated in some way to go on. Sometimes I think that I can work things out. Sometimes I think that I dont deserve any better, or I blame myself for a situation being what it is.

The words and Spirit of the Serenity prayer are useful at time like these, no matter what your concept of God is.

 I bought a lovely picture for my room today,leaves branches and twigs,very autumnal. I also bought a frame for it  (which was recommended) and brought it all home.

I unpacked the frame and a small clip for the wire bounced away and seems to have got itself wedged behind a radiator! I spent nearly an hour looking for it ....Anyway I went to the local store and bought a set of fixers and some new wire for good measure.

I unwrapped the frame and placed it face down on the floor. I inserted the picture with some difficulty  and screwed the two fixers on either side of the frame. I lifted the picture and to my horror; the picture was in upside down. The picture had also some pieces of carpet droppings between the perspex frame and the picture itself. Also the fixer on one side had come away. Disaster!

My mother came to inspect the proceedings and I had to very gently tell her to 'not supervise' my head was fillling with all the memories of being told I was 'stupid' and that i could 'do nothing right'.Once the thoughts of suicide crept in I decided to weigh up the options.... I am actually being serious....

I had lost the original catch. I had inadvertently put the picture in upside down and had let dust blow between the perspex and the picture. Also i wasnt to know that the frame was basically paper mache and wouldn't hold screws. So there were things that I had needed to do differently

I cleaned the picture and perspex and put the picture in in such a way as it had an obvious top and bottom. I noticed that the frame was over an inch in depth, soooooo by carefully drilling two holes in the uprights I was able to fix the wire firmly to both sides and thus hang the picture.

It is amazing how thoughts and feelings from the past can come in and completely cloud present moment judgements. If my mother hadnt been watching over me I wouldnt have been so self conscious.....

I cannot blame my mother. the reaction I had to this afternoon's events was my reaction and therefore my problem.

 Simply blaming my mother doesnt help  solve the present time problem . The picture simply will not be put up on the wall unless it is done in an appropriate manner..via the laws of physics.

Slightly shell shocked, need to release on wanting control and approval......I still have a lot of work to do......and thats ok

Was listening to two ladies talking today. One was saying how her grandson had broken a couple of wine glasses the kid is about two years old. Apparently her daughter scolded the child and said to him ' you know you shouldnt have broken those things'

Her Mum  (granny) said to her ' No he doesnt know,you have to teach him'

I had an awakening in that my learning has always been stressful,there was always a fear of failure and failure meant punishment. Sometimes I would have pretended to be cleverer than your average bear to try and boost my self esteem.

Also I feel that I was always at the 'you should know better stage.' .Funny my mother remarked today that i only needed to be told once to not do something. I feel she is probably right.......Well of course she has to be from her perspective!!

I would not do some things simply for I was afraid of punishment. Fear of punishment does not teach the whys and wherefores of a situation it teaches fear,that is all.

Now as an adult I need to re own that fear and allow myself to make mistakes. I can no longer use blame as an excuse, I am responsible for my actions, and every action that I perform will have consequences and I must take responsibility for my part in those consequences