Unbelief in Belfast............ and slow awakening

I grew up in Belfast in the 60's and was sent to a local Presbyterian church in North Belfast.I thought the whole thing was boring and resented being sent to Sunday school at three years of age.
My parents were not religious, though, my father had been a member of the usual Prod secret societies. He had quit by the time I was born and I never really talked to him about it. He wasn’t a believer but one of the usual sheep that Belfast produces ad nauseum.

My Grandmother had all these weird ideas about heaven, hell, the devil, souls and had a pathological hatred of Catholics.
To me Santa seemed more real and when I found out that he wasn’t it just reinforced my unbelief.

The troubles were a turbulent time for all and I refused to take part. I even had a girlfriend from the so called other sort (she had some really weird ideas) even though many of my so called mates seriously disapproved.

I didn't ever state my non belief I simply refused to play. Mates got themselves into various sectarian bother some even got themselves killed or put in jail.

My refusal to play saved my life once I was walking home late one evening from the outskirts of North Belfast when I encountered a primitively armed group coming up the road they knew me, I knew them. I had never done anything to them and the let me walk along the pavement -they even got out of my way!! This to me was a brief,very brief moment of awakening.I was very calm and felt no fear,perhaps for the first time in my life

At this time I was becoming very ill with an anxiety disorder part of which I know now is OCD. I lived with this condition for thirty years before diagnosis and during this time there was an obsessive drive to understand what was happening to me. I read umpteen books on psychology (when I was supposed to be reading Physiotherapy!!) philosophy and eastern religion, for a while I practised meditation with the Ananda Marga group which I found to be relaxing. I found out they were a cult so I broke off contact

One of the worst life experiences was to come. I got embroiled with Scientology in the early 80's or more accurately
Dianetics and became a book one auditor. Certain aspects of the processing seemed to work very well and with Scn god wasn’t an issue so initially it suited me. I became obsessed by past life regression and this had turned up during my work as an auditor and my auditing.

I met a girl in Scn we got married and were going to save Ireland with Scientology, we had a child and it died a few days after birth. Me being obsessive and unpredictable I organised the whole funeral myself including digging the grave and performing the burial. I felt that my Scn friends would audit this incident out of me this wasnt to happen I haven’t been right since!!.

After this there was a brief breakdown and the tranquillisers went into the bin because they were against Scn teachings. There followed a brief period going to Spiritualist churches looking for something.....
We had a couple more children, didn’t get on and my wife left me in 1992 to join Scientology full time, she even took the children with her. I had just joined the  Prison Service and didn’t want to kick up a fuss: though it would have looked good in the Sunday papers. Now looking back I wish I had. I didn’t last in The Ps I was medically retired. I wasn’t really suited to the job

I met my wife soon after the break-up and we have had a difficult time. My ex left Scn and has become a fundy and I now have two fundy children. The stress of all this led me to the bottle and alcohol dependency. I managed to get treatment for my anxiety disorder and did an article in the Belfast Telegraph last year on OCD, my daughters read it and think I am mental and so don’t want to see me. One of them told me I needed to go to Church I told her what she could do with her god and now she won’t speak to me.......wonder why??????

I have had treatment for my alcohol problem and I have told them in my local AA group that I don’t believe in supernatural higher powers and that I feel the big book was patronising to agnostics and atheists. They seem to accept me for my opinions. I am now more accepting towards others beliefs as I can see we only have viewpoints

I read books on philosophy though it takes me a while to understand them sometimes . I also enjoy reading books on Zen as there is no supernatural rubbish in them and I find some of them quite relaxing.

I reserve the right to read what I like form my own opinions and take what is real for me from any subject. Interestingly my non belief in Sky gods has become more solid since getting treatment for OCD using cognitive behaviour therapy and bucket loads of Prozac.

Recently I have been reading books and listening to tapes by Eckhart Tolle. He emphasises the necessity to live in the moment and release anxieties and resentments and decrease the power of the ego. I am finding this useful as it is practical,beautifully expressed, and lacking in supernatural invisible friends.

One of the unfortunate consequences of having OCD is that it can lead to depression and breakdown.I am recovering from a recent episode with the help of my friends in AA and the practical advice I have received from all sensible sources including taking suitable meds.I realise I need to live in the day in order to keep well and do regular meditation to reinforce this- all without invisible friends and scary supernatural higher powers.

I am currently separated from my wife and have been for a year. She has her own issues and its not fair to discuss them here. My Wellness was being compromised and I had to leave.

Now have a wonderful girlfriend who takes no crap and doesnt listen to 'poor me' stories!!

It has been time to grow up...

Currently using the Sedona Method to release mental baggage. Excellent set of tools

Keep breathing (if you need to count your breaths it could be OCD!!!!!!!!)

Philip