The Road is covered in Dog Shit

Acceptance time again.Like doing physical relaxation exercises it comes in waves. I am having to accept that I have a mental health condition that waxes and wanes continuously,
I can shorten the down times by learning and by being accepting, but its not easy.

I cant work at my present job anymore as it is severely effecting things,every time I release something, something new crops up..i have been given new meds,they make me very sleepy.

My estranged wife probably thinks I am 'swinging the lead' to get out of work to avoid paying her maintenance, thats not true. The problem I have with my  mental illness at times is getting acknowledgement that I have a problem. it would be easy for anyone to say to a doctor ' I feel like killing myself' but who in their right mind would put themselves through this.

There is a huge stigma behind mental illness,its bad enough putting up with the illness let alone the stigma and associated problems it throws up.

My children wont speak to me as I helped with an article in a national newspaper about OCD, apparently I am 'mental' according to the eldest. My girlfriend who admires me for my approach to recovery doesnt like the downtimes,so I have had to let her go.My mother
doesnt understand why I have to take 'all those medications':and why I have to go to AA as I have stopped drinking and am therefore not alcoholic.

I acknowledge that I have been very ill at times. I have been married twice,My first wife was with me when I wasnt getting any treatment at all and I was difficult to live with, My second wife put up with my untreated illness and my heavy drinking. She too has mental health and alcohol issues. I am sure I drove these women round the bend at times
The difference now is that I have stopped drinking and am on a recovery program paradoxical it may seem given my latest breakdown.

My marriage broke up last year as I had been sober for some time and my wife wouldnt stop drinking, I had to leave for my own sobriety and wellness. I didnt like having to do this as I  felt it was a failure on my part to take care of her. She has been very unwell over the past year.

Recovery at this stage is in some ways similar to the illness that is it is selfish and self preserving, the only other option is suicide and I dont like the thoughts..................